Facebook – Checkin – The childish but funny game

It is a sorry story when you get to 45 and do really childish things. I remember well the time that i saw Dom Jolly (He was probably about the same age as me) on Trigger Happy TV, stand by a pelican crossing in London, stopping the traffic and then laying down and slithering across …

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Self Abuse of My Body

OK, so a few of you will have opened this post as you think it is another example of me being outrageous, haha, but on this occasion you are wrong!! I know what you were thinking. Today i ache, really ache. Yesterday Mr Browne and i ventured out on an off road Mountain Bike bash …

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New Boys Toys

As Friday night is now our Official Bike Ride night, we have decided to take this new extension to our sport seriously. Obviously when i say ‘our’ i mean Ian and I, others who claim to be our fellow riders are demonstrating their weaknesses when it comes to off road mountain biking in the dark. …

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When does your daughter stop being your little girl?

I was immensly proud when Karen gave birth to our daughter, and was equally proud when our son came along a few years later. When we had two bouncing young babies, a i looked at them proudly and tried consider what the future would bring. I envisaged my son would be like me, you know …

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Only 49 Weeks To Christmas !!

I can’t believe that Christmas was just over 3 weeks ago, and i have been back at work for a week. Christmas just seems to have been and gone in an instant, in fact i almost missed it, but then that could have been down to the red wine. Tomorrow is supposed to be the …

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Facebook – Checkin – The childish but funny gameSelf Abuse of My BodyNew Boys ToysWhen does your daughter stop being your little girl?Only 49 Weeks To Christmas !!

May 20

Facebook – Checkin – The childish but funny game

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It is a sorry story when you get to 45 and do really childish things.
I remember well the time that i saw Dom Jolly (He was probably about the same age as me) on Trigger Happy TV, stand by a pelican crossing in London, stopping the traffic and then laying down and slithering across the road like a snail, he even had a shell on his back. I cried with laughter, and recall a few years later coming back from a (very drunken) night out in Nottingham at 4am, unable to get a taxi. We decided to hide behind a bush near a Pelican crossing on the outskirts of Nottingham, each time a car came down the road we were hiding on we popped out of our hiding place and pressed the button to stop the traffic, and then slowly crossed the road, as there were no other people around, and no other traffic, we marvelled at the pissed off drivers faces, even gave them a cheery little wave, soooooo Childish.

And so, let me tell you about this weekend. It was Mrs E’s birthday and a little treat of a weekend in Manchester, some fine food, nice hotel and a few drinks ensued. On Friday we decided to do a spot of retail therapy and have a chill out day on Saturday.

A late (ish) Saturday breakfast teed the day up as it was supposed to, as we sat planning our day, i made a move which would set the path up for the remainder of our Saturday, i checked in on Facebook.

“Richard Ellis has checked in with Karen Ellis at the Hilton on Deansgate Manchester” , but then i saw the list of other places nearby that i could have checked in to, and this started my childish brain to play. I checked in at Starbucks, none of friends were particularly interested. So we went out on our day out.

A short time later i checked into ‘The Arndale Centre’ and received a few little comments around shopping, not deterred i checked into ‘Ann Summers’, now this was more like it, a few more comments, i was on a roll. Rio Ferdinands restaurant ‘Rosso’ was very nice and received a few more comments, Harvey Nichols Champagne Bar, excellent, lots of cheery ‘have one for me’ and ‘enjoy’ comments, the ‘Living Room’ was OK, but it was as i checked in there i saw the game changers, the options nearby, ”Richard Ellis has checked in with Karen Ellis at the Granada Studios Tour”, and then directly below this came the ultimate one ”Richard Ellis has checked in with Karen Ellis at the Jeremy Kyle Show, Granada Studios”, this game was becoming an obsession, 30 likes within 5 minutes, and loads of comments. How can we top this i declared?

As i went to the bar to buy a splash more wine, my iPhone pinged, i took a big slurp of wine, took my phone out of my pocked and saw the FB update ”Karen Ellis has checked in with Richard Ellis at Manchester Airport 1st Class BA Executive Lounge”, i almost sprayed the bar floor with juicy red as i burst out laughing.

Ping, ping, ping, ping the messages came a flooding through, “have a great holiday”, “where are you staying?”, “was this a complete surprise?”, i certainly was a bit surprise, i was in the Living Room in Manchester. At this point Mr Jolly (not Dom, but Gavalaar) accused me of being a bullshitter, and the game was bought to a close, after 1 last foray to the centre circle of Old Trafford with “SirAlex1940″. It was fun whilst it lasted.

If you don’t find this funny, i apologise, it probably was one of the ‘you need to be there moments’, but to me it was very childish, immature but totally piss funny. “Richard Ellis has just checked into Reality – tomorrow is Monday”

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Apr 29

Self Abuse of My Body

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OK, so a few of you will have opened this post as you think it is another example of me being outrageous, haha, but on this occasion you are wrong!! I know what you were thinking.

Today i ache, really ache. Yesterday Mr Browne and i ventured out on an off road Mountain Bike bash around the Vale of Belvoir, however it was raining, actually it had been raining all night and was still raining. Cold, wet, muddy and horrible, but still we ventured out. We cycled through the slippery and slimy mud, through deep puddles and along tracks that you would only consider trying in your “Chelsea Tractor”. I did think at the time i would pay the price, and sure enough i am.

Why did we do this you ask? (The long suffering Mrs Ellis is asking me the same as i type) in fact i am now asking myself the very same question, however if i was to answer myself out loud i would get sectioned, so i am inwardly asking myself, and i don’t know the answer. I just come back to the same thing asking myself the same question over and over agin.

But we all Abuse Ourselves (Yeah, yeah, less of the w*****g jokes), in many ways. We go out and get absolutely hammered, throw up all night, and spend the next day in bed, how many times have we said “I won’t be doing that again”, until next time. Self inflicted abuse. We decide to go on that new revolutionary diet and drop from our consumption of 2500 calories per day to 1500 calories and we wonder why our body decides to try to shut down. We decide to run a Marathon, naturally with doing as little training as possible as it seemed a good idea at the time, and spend 3 weeks with feet like a Baboons ass. We lie in the sun all day on holiday trying to get the “ever so’ golden tan, and spend 4 days covered in Natural Yoghurt getting rid of the sun burn. the list goes on and on, and we all do it time and time again.

So, i have decided to take stock, consider everything and consider changing my regime in a bid to protect my body, live a clean wholesome life, take gentle but effective exercise and try Tantric sex.

But, i have just remembered that i am away Mountain Biking for 3 days in a couple of weeks, it will mean punishing my body, drinking like a fish and eating the wrong food, all against my new ideals. Never mind, new regime goes out of the window, but Mrs Ellis standby, I have bought a book on Tantric Sex !!!!!

 

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Feb 12

New Boys Toys

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As Friday night is now our Official Bike Ride night, we have decided to take this new extension to our sport seriously.

Obviously when i say ‘our’ i mean Ian and I, others who claim to be our fellow riders are demonstrating their weaknesses when it comes to off road mountain biking in the dark.

This is a great pusuit and is highly recommended, however it is not big or clever to do this without the right lights, believe me, we have tried it. On a number of occasions we have nearly run over a fluffy little bunny that strayed into our path, cycled with the rats that were coming from a field, and hit an overhanging branch where an owl has been sitting (I don’t know who was most scared, us or the owl), and i wont even go into the incident where some dickhead tried to run us over after skidding on ice!!

So in a bid to do things properly we have invested in proper lights. After a little bit of research we discovered the Bikeray III version 2 from the website www.lightslightslights.co.uk. These lights are fab, cascading an impressive 1300 lumens of light. They are bright, very bright, bright enough to light up the best tree covered trails. These lights are quite small (5cm x 5cm) and very light at only 370g including the battery. The 3 LEDs and the optical glass covering ensure that the beam is consistent and does not give too much light bounce back.

I’m sure that i am going to have some tales of night riding over the next few months, watch out for them, and if you need some lights for your off road night Mountain Biking give these babies a try.

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Jan 29

When does your daughter stop being your little girl?

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I was immensly proud when Karen gave birth to our daughter, and was equally proud when our son came along a few years later.

When we had two bouncing young babies, a i looked at them proudly and tried consider what the future would bring. I envisaged my son would be like me, you know the quiet, shy and retiring type, and my daughter like her mum! For those of you who know us, you can easily spot the mis-directed route i have just sent you down.

We are now 11 and 13 years down the ‘being great parents route’ and i can see that my son is the easy laid back type, he has the ability to lie on his bed and use his X-Box, is about as chilled as you can get and has a love for sport, predominently football, but my daughter ….

I should have realised many years ago that she was going to be the independant, do as she wants to do type. The time in Asda demonstrated this, when she was pushing the kiddy trolley around the store doing her shopping (at 4 years old) and putting in the essential items for all 4 year olds, Shampoo, make up, fizzy drinks etc, and i was following her around taking them all out, when she stopped, stopped dead, spun around on her heels, cocked her hip and said ‘can you stop that, you are really starting to piss me off now’! my world stopped and then went into freefall, where had she heard that, and how did she know how to use it in that context, i just left the shopping and headed for home, cringing.

On another occasion she informed her grandparents that she no longer had to do her homework, as (in her words) ‘mum and dad dont really care, dad is too busy on ebay, and mum is too busy doing the ironing to help me’, obviously forgetting that we had a cleaner at the time and that i did not use ebay, mmmmmm………

Or when she told the teacher at school that her mum and dad had gone away for the weekend and she was being picked up from school by a lady she had never met, and was staying at her house for the weekend, and didn’t know what was happening to her brother!! I was mortified when i received the call from the school (1 step away from Social Services i suppose), and her Auntie was equally mortified (who she knows extremely well) when she was dragged into the head mistresses office and given an interrogation.

What do i have now? a GREAT, but very independant daughter. I sometimes think i no longer really figure in her life, except to run her about and make food for her. I asked my Dad if i was the same, and alas i was. If you ever watch Outnumbered on TV i can sometimes relate my Daughter to their Daughter Karen, scarily so.

So where does this lead, i suppose the double standards thing that all dads go through. The daughter is the one to be wrapped in cotton wool and protected, you know she comes in a bit late and you ask ‘Where have you been? Who with? Where does he live? Do you have his CV for me to check?’, whereas your son comes in late and you hand him a big cigar and a large whiskey, looking at him fondly saying ‘thats my boy’.

Everyone tells me that the daughter usually comes through all this and comes back to their dad, i really look forward to that day, and will keep you in the loop.

 

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Jan 15

Only 49 Weeks To Christmas !!

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I can’t believe that Christmas was just over 3 weeks ago, and i have been back at work for a week. Christmas just seems to have been and gone in an instant, in fact i almost missed it, but then that could have been down to the red wine.
Tomorrow is supposed to be the most depressing day of the year, and i think i know why.
Apart from the small fact that the majority of people are waiting to get paid for the first time since December, they are back to work after the christmas break, they have re-joined the gym and the next thing to look forward to is their holiday in the middle of the year, there is something more sinister.
The ‘night before monster’ has stopped calling. I had the ‘night before monster’ call on me nearly every night over Christmas. The ‘night before monster’ is evil, nearly as scary as my MIL. Everynight it calls it inflicts terrible things on you. On a number of occasions the NBM made me drink Whiskey, lots of Whiskey, eat chocolate, lots of chocolate, and frequently hit me on the head. You see i know this because i woke up on many a festive morning with the taste of Whiskey in my mouth, and i can swear that i was not drinking some Whiskey the night before, i found out that i was putting on 0.5kg a day, and my head was really sore, really sore.
Since the New Year my NBM has stopped calling, i don’t taste the Whiskey first thing, i am losing the weight the i gained due to the NBM chocco fest and i have stopped raiding the Neurofen cupboard, and thats why life could be so depressing, the festive come down. I have realised that the NBM won’t be back for another 49 weeks, and i have started behaving like a mature adult (very difficult), am not drinking alcohol and have a real liking for low GI food, and this is why i am depressed and i am sure that there are many more of you like this too.
However, there is a ray of hope. I understand from some good sources that the NBM may be back in April, for Easter. So guys, lets be positive, get in good shape, look after our body temples and prepare, prepare well as we only have a couple of months to wait before the NBM returns.

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